Explice!

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Anxiety has no language,
It’s like tremors that come and go,
Worry has no friends,
It’s a loner painting its own death
Thought has no sky,
It flies free to make its own sky
Tears no not where they are going,
Like rivers, they know only to flow
Questions seek no answers
We think of answers as conclusions
Memory has no traces…
It stays till forgetfulness takes over
Wait doesn’t know it’s end
We create and kill it in our minds
Much like life’s story has
No beginning or end
It starts before birth,
And goes on much longer after we die..

I am the woman, you don’t know!

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I love like a tigress,

and detest like the lion

I do not like the color pink

I prefer the undiluted red

I argue for I am brave

not because I want to prove you wrong

I talk to the stars

For they do not glare back at me like you

I look up the sky and dream

I am not scared of wishing and hoping for you

I take up challenges

To tell myself I am alive

I dance in the rain

For water knows the freedom I seek

Of course, I get scared

Not of the dark or cockroaches

But of your judgmental looks

I am woman who waits,

knows herself inside out

I am the woman

You don’t know!

Where are the men, man?

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Disclaimer: I love the men in my life and I don’t think I can ask for more, but I am just being greedy I guess.

People around me seem to insist that I get back to being the social being that I was some 7 years back. Leaving aside my parents who seem to have either given up on me or are mentally living on a another planet where these social pressures do not seem to matter. So the rest of the peer clan is in search of ‘batman’. And I often feel as if I am pleasantly enjoying the drama like it were a film from far. But yesterday the water broke in my head (ya! these phenomenon can also happen in my world – which is free from all sorts of scientific constraints) and I thought to myself that I should try and look too. That’s when I realised the following:

I belong to the lands where every man is called ‘laalo’ and every dog is called Kaalu’ (whether he is black or not!) In some cases the dog can also be laalo and then my brain would automatically prefer the dog. And how on earth is someone supposed to fall in love with a man called ‘laalo’!??

Everything in our world revolves around the men in our life and hence the food named after them to0. Women in our part of the world invented something called ‘mohan thaal’ after the amazing ‘Lord Krishna.  But if you were ever to meet the Mohan who made it, I am sure the real Mohan (lord Krishna) would be disappointed. He would be a slimy looking creature and would probably not be aware of the history of why the sweet is so called. This is nothing against chefs or people who cook, the point I am trying to make is that men in my part of the state do not care about conversation or the depth of the matter. The only thing that matter is the money! But if you ever tried to make conversation about ‘how to earn the money’ you are sure to get a look that would make you feel as if you were from Mars. (Yes! ideally they should have been from Mars and we from Venus!)

I belong to the land where we worship Lord Krishna who is the biggest flirt of them all. But if I were to date a man like that, first of all my dad would freeze in shock, I would be tired of counting that guy’s girl friends and marriage would not even be in consideration for a dream.

I belong to the land where if men opened their mouths it would only be to spit and spatter red pichkaaris around. If they ever managed to empty their mouths of that god forsaken intoxication then one would have shut their ears before they faint of boredom and disappointment.

I would like to imagine that there is a lot that God has saved somewhere and will release along with the newest version of Android. For I believe that either the good ones flee from our happy gujju land, some of the other turned gay! (And they too are suffering as there is a shortage in that category) and others are married (hopefully surviving!)

And having said that the optimist in me would like to announce that the new found search term is, ‘Intelligent is the only sexy!’ and along with a few other women of my clan whose search seems similar to looking for Gotham on the world map – the search is still on!

Listening

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The past few months have been a tremendous journey of hope, hell and heaven all rolled in a warm blanket called life. Its been months of meditative conversations with people who either mattered the most or matter a lot now. As the winds dries up some sour trinkling memories I realise it has been months of listening.

Listening to some very amazing people who have not known me too well but more importantly are non judgemental, accepting and fighting their battles with grace. They smile genuinely, laugh with all their heart, and life to them is a lovely mosaic of experiences.

The universe much like the seas constantly makes you cleanse yourself, off the influence that corrodes you. Forces you to be ‘you’. You just need to give in to being you.

Listening has made me more ‘me’, helped me get rid of a whole lot of expectations that weigh high upon my head causing migranes. It feels great to be the firefly again and fighting the hardest battle of ‘being ‘you’ and staying that way.

Liberate me

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I am engulfed,
By memories of you
There is little that I know,
But much that I have imagined

Of what I know,
They feel
Like pieces
Of a Gigsaw puzzle

But each of them
Crafted
With love
And amusement

These scribbles
On my mind
Makes so much sense
Do you see it?

spaces

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Longtime back in one of our car discussions, we talked about how much we needed to our spaces. How much we needed these spaces to be who we are. Sometimes I wondered if we would ever be able to share the same space. I slowly learnt to come to terms with the fact that while we will keep creating things in our own spaces and share these ideas we will never be able to share it. It is this love for spaces is what had brought us close. It was because we had our own distinct spaces that we respect each other. I enjoyed watching you for hours in your space and used to feel the love for you had a certain peace in your eyes then. I often feared, what if you did not want to come back from one these spaces? I would not sleep and wake up fearing this. Initially I told myself that this was just a figment of my imagination. A delusion that I create for myself because I dont want to be too optimistic about it all. I never knew that either of our spaces would consume us completely. That we would have to work constantly to ensure that while we had our own spaces, we had to create one that belonged to both of us. I never understood that we had to learn to share spaces slowly for that was the only way we could keep loving each other for what we are and what our spaces have made us.

Never knew that the passion for creating our own spaces would kill ‘us’. Today I realise that  I was looking for a third space that we could call ‘ours’ and that was simply an illusion. We were always going to be two people with two spaces. But, the most important regret that I live with is that we did not see each other in our spaces.

I know that my dreams have traces of your smile and my days begin with light from the twinkle in your eyes. I know the wind met you this morning to carry a few hopes for me. I have found a way to see you in my space.. have you?

100 Hours 100 Pictures #100

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image

100 hours of moments that never leave me. This is my favourite shot taken while traveling to Khardungla. It being the highest motorable pass. High on spirits and tough to survive, khardungla is an experience truly out of this world For years this shot has inspired me when I think of the extreme climatic conditions in which people tend to work there. Nature will never cease to challenge, surprise and inspire.

Thanks for sharing the passion, each one of u! I hope to continue this journey and take you along through my frames.